From Self-Criticism to Self-Nurturing and Self-Value

Posted January 24, 2024 by Cristina Vrech

Cristina Vrech - Individual and couples therapist

Cristina Vrech

Founder and Director - Individual & Couple Therapist, Corporate Services

Co-founder and director of Leone Centre, Cristina Vrech, has 20+ years of experience in working and supporting people, 14+ years of extensive experience as a therapist and offers valuable knowledge to individuals and couples. Prior to being a therapist, she worked in the financial sector.

Cristina takes a down-to-earth and direct approach across the landscapes of relationships, communication, stress, infidelity, confidence, loneliness, addiction, separation and divorce, IVF, and anxiety.

Offering Online Counselling and in person counselling.

Cristina Vrech can help with...

In the labyrinthine journey of self-development, it’s not uncommon to encounter the shadowy corners of our minds where self-criticism lurks, whispering doubts and uncertainties. Far too often, we find ourselves entangled in the paradoxical belief that this internal scrutiny is the driving force behind our growth – a necessary companion on the path to personal betterment.

In the symphony of our internal dialogue, it’s essential to detangle the subtle nuances that differentiate genuine self-reflection from the often deceptive allure of self-criticism.

The line between self-criticism and self-reflection is one which needs to be tread carefully.

Self-reflection is a deliberate and mindful exploration of one’s thoughts, emotions, behaviours, and experiences. It transcends the ego, fostering a deeper understanding of interconnectedness and personal growth.

Self-criticism involves evaluating one’s thoughts and actions. Balancing acknowledgement of areas for improvement with self-nurturing is essential for a healthier approach to personal development.

Firefly Silhouette of a sad woman sitting alone in a city park at sunset 35632

There is a common misconception that self-nurturing is self-indulgent. Studies show that self-criticism can hinder our ability to deal with inevitable challenges such as failure and rejection. We live in a society which often values modesty and the rejection of compliments. But consistently refusing to acknowledge our self-worth (unsurprisingly) isn’t good for us. Research indicates that a positive self-view is key to healthy psychological functioning – essentially when we nurture a positive view of ourselves, we are likely to have better mental health.

Both sides of self-critique 

Self-critique can be beneficial as part of maintaining a balanced self-image. It’s essential to have a well-rounded view of ourselves, recognising and acknowledging the aspects of ourselves which we approve of, and which resonate with our values, and those which need work. This equilibrium is key to maintaining personal growth.

Honest, proactive self-critique grants us the opportunity to recognise and learn from our mistakes, identify unwanted habits and change unhelpful behaviour patterns. However, it’s important to be mindful of the nature of our self-criticism. If we find ourselves constantly dwelling on our negative attributes, this may indicate underlying issues of poor self-esteem, low self-worth and potential mental health difficulties.

Many people who have traits such as perfectionism, rumination, low self-esteem or social anxiety may also struggle with high levels of self-criticism.

Self-critical thoughts may sound like:

  • “I did/ didn’t do X, therefore I am a failure”
  • “What I just thought/ said was really stupid”
  • “I’m not good enough”
  • “I can’t get anything right”
  • “I don’t deserve good things”
  • “Things never work out for me”

Other traits of self-critical individuals may include:

  • Low self-esteem
  • Self-sabotaging
  • Feeling worthless
  • Feelings of shame/ guilt
  • Social anxiety
  • Lack of self-motivation
  • Poor body image

The consequences of unchallenged self-critique

Self-critique can serve a purpose, allowing us to recognise our mistakes or faults and learn from them. However, if left unchecked, self-critique can often manifest detrimentally in any of the following ways:

  • Hindering us from taking healthy risks
  • Stopping us from pursuing goals
  • Preventing us from speaking up for or advocating for ourselves
  • Making us constantly compare ourselves to others
  • Stopping us from recognising and celebrating our wins
  • Frequently triggering negative emotions
  • Causing us to be overly avoidant of blame, criticism or disappointment from others

Overcoming self-critique

To effectively manage self-critique and combat feelings of low self-worth, it’s important first to learn to recognise critical thoughts when they occur. Developing an internal ally can play a significant role in raising and sustaining an awareness of thoughts as they occur.

Once we have become aware of our reactive critical thoughts, we must question and reframe them in a supportive way. Counselling and psychotherapy can help to become aware, understand, and learn to catch these thoughts as they occur and question and reformulate them in a kinder and more constructive way. If you are finding it difficult to navigate this process alone, counselling and therapy provide effective support for learning to transform self-critical thoughts and develop a more compassionate mindset.

Handsome man feeling nostalgic, holding hands on heart and daydreaming, remember or imaging something, standing carefree against turquoise background.

Fostering self-value

In the moments of self-reflection, we often discover the strength to counter critical thoughts and nurture a sense of self-value. Approaching this journey with curiosity and empathy can transform negative self-perceptions into opportunities for growth. By reflecting on past experiences, we gain insights into our choices, understanding what worked for us and how we can navigate similar situations more effectively in the future.

“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” — Buddha

Think about someone you love. How would you like to respond when they make mistakes? How would you like to speak to them when they are feeling insecure? If there is a disparity between how you treat yourself and the ones you love, this is a sign to make changes. Our most important relationship is with ourselves; it sets the tone for our other connections. Developing a healthy, compassionate and supportive relationship with ourselves lays the foundations for healthy, meaningful relationships with others.

Some tips to build self-love and self-compassion include:

  • Constructively reframe your self-critical thoughts. For example, replacing the thought: “That’s the third time I’ve dropped my pen, why am I so clumsy?” with “I am distracted, and it’s making me drop things; am I hungry, tired, or do I maybe need to take a break?”
  • Critique your critical thoughts. When negative, detrimental or unhelpful thoughts appear, challenge them. Ask yourself if there is any evidence to support or disprove this. Often, although our thoughts feel true, they aren’t based on facts.
  • Be authentic. When there is a disparity between who you really are and the self you are presenting to the world, this creates a gap for self-doubt and self-criticism to flourish. By basing your interactions and relationships on the genuine foundation of an inherent understanding of your own self-worth, you actively practice self-love.
  • Practice intentional self-care. This can be entirely self-soothing, such as taking a warm bath or shower, savouring a delicious meal or applying a face mask. Self-care can also be more robust, such as engaging in exercise or meditation to soothe and show care to your body and mind.
  • Seek counselling. Professional therapy, which focuses on building an awareness of your positive attributes, can help you to strengthen your self-compassion. Integrative therapy can also help you explore the root of your self-critical thoughts and reframe them.
  • Avoid comparisons. Everyone is on a unique journey with their personality, qualities, and ways. By fostering a more robust sense of your own path, you can build confidence in the unique timing of your life.
  • Write in a journal. By regularly writing down and exploring your thoughts, you can express yourself healthily and identify where you want to make changes.

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Ultimately, self-nurture is fundamental for well-being. At the heart of self-love and self-value is the embracing of authenticity. We cannot, and should not, attempt to change who we are at our core. Although self-criticism can stem from a desire for change, it is important to ensure this isn’t rooted in a place of low self-worth. When you make changes in your life, self-value can grant you the necessary confidence to do so – being true to yourself.