What are trauma bonds?
The term “trauma bond” has entered popular terminology in recent years. On social media, a common phenomenon occurs where psychology terms go “viral” and, over the journey of hundreds or even thousands of videos and millions of viewers, the terms become flattened into a digestible, often two-dimensional version of their original definition. While growth in understanding mental health and cognitive processes is generally positive, this can also be problematic.
Trauma bonds may be commonly understood as a relationship between two people which is strengthened by a shared or similar traumatic experience. They may also be understood to be unhealthy or chaotic relationship styles. However, Medical News Today defines a trauma bond as a psychological response to abuse. It is characterised by a repeated cycle of abusive behaviour followed by positive reinforcement. This can become very toxic for the partners involved. Toxic behaviour in relationships can include elements of power, mistrust, disrespect and controlling behaviour.
It is important to understand the difference between trauma bonds and abusive relationships. Trauma bonds can feature in abusive relationships and are defined by their cyclical nature, but abusive relationships can exist where no trauma bonding takes place.
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Trauma bonds can occur anywhere that an abusive relationship can take place: in romantic relationships, with family members, in exploitative employment, in religious groups and many other circumstances.
What are the seven stages of trauma bonding?
Trauma bonds are commonly understood to form through a cycle of seven stages. These stages are:
- Love bombing: excessive flattery, grand gestures and proclamations of love and affection to create a bond and position the abuser as a safe, loving partner.
- Trust and dependency: the abuser attempts to create a sense of trust and that they are needed.
- Devaluing and criticism: where the abuser begins to devalue the other person, creating self-doubt and confusion.
- Gaslighting and manipulation: the abuser begins to coerce and deceive the other person, twisting their sense of reality. This can lead the person being abused to doubt their memory and perception.
- Submission and resignation: at this stage, the person being abused no longer has the emotional reserves of strength to deny or resist the actions of the abuser.
- Loss of sense of self: the person being abused no longer has any confidence or concrete sense of their individual identity.
- Emotional addiction: the cyclical nature of abuse includes reoccurring moments of love bombing and validation, such as apologies, gifts and promises the behaviour will stop.
The signs of a trauma bond
Identifying a trauma bond can be difficult due to the psychological nature of abusive tendencies. Signs of trauma bonds can include:
- Wanting to end the relationship but feeling unable or unsafe to do so.
- Agreeing with the reasons the person gives for their abusive behaviour.
- You may become defensive, hostile, or distancing yourself from people who try to intervene, such as friends, family, neighbours, the police, or support workers.
- Attempts to leave are met with responses intended to provoke fear, such as threats or promises of change, which are not met.
- Continued hope of changing the person.
- You keep their behaviour secret from others.
- You make excuses for them.
- I am finding it difficult to maintain separation after ending the relationship.
Why are trauma bonds damaging?
A trauma bond is, by definition, an incredibly unhealthy relationship. Healthy relationships include conflict, yes, but this is resolved safely. Unhealthy relationships and emotional connections can have serious detrimental effects on mental and physical well-being.
Trauma bonds are built on the foundations of oppressive power dynamics. In a trauma bond, one person is engaging in abusive and coercive behaviour, whether either party can recognise this or not.
Trauma bonds are one of many damaging aspects of abusive relationships. If you are concerned that you may be in an abusive relationship, whether physical, financial, emotional, psychological, narcissistic or otherwise, it is crucial to seek support.
Organisations offering support to victims of abuse:
- National Domestic Abuse Helpline: 24/7 service and helpline: 0808 2000 247
- Emergency services – in a life-threatening emergency, always call 999. For non-emergency support or advice from the police, ring 101
- Refuge: specialist national services for survivors of domestic abuse
- Women’s Aid: domestic abuse support and resources for women and children
- Men’s Advice Line: helpline for men, providing domestic abuse support: 0808 8010327
- Mankind: offering support to male survivors of abuse, including a helpline 0182 3334 244
- The National Association for People Abused in Childhood (NAPAC): offers support for adult survivors of any type of childhood abuse. Helpline, local services and email support: 0808 801 0331 support@napac.org.uk
- FLOWS (Finding Legal Options for Women Survivors): Legal support service to help protect women against domestic abuse.
- Galop: support for LGBTQIA+ people who have experienced violence and abuse
- Iranian and Kurdish Women’s Rights Organisation (IKWRO): support for Middle Eastern, North African (MENA) and Afghan women and girls living in the UK who are victims of forced marriage, ‘honour’-based abuse and FGM
- Southall Black Sisters: support for Black and marginalised women and children experiencing abuse
- Forward: African women-led organisation providing support, signposting and advice for women and girls affected by violence
- Paladin: expert support, advice and advocacy for victims of stalking in England and Wales
- Hourglass: a confidential helpline providing information and support to anyone concerned about harm, abuse or exploitation of an older person.
- SignHealth: specialist domestic abuse support service for Deaf adults and children, text or email 07800 003421 da@signhealth.org.uk
Can trauma bonds be broken?
Breaking free of a trauma bond can be challenging, but it is possible. Experiences such as previous trauma and abusive relationships can make it more difficult as the brain has grown accustomed to the cycle of positive and negative reinforcement. However, it can be done.
- The first step is to recognise and acknowledge the reality of the situation. Trauma bonds and abusive behaviour can often make it difficult to trust one’s perception fully. Making notes of one’s behaviour and the other person’s behaviour can help one notice patterns and have a source of trusted information to refer to.
- Try to stay present. Instead of focusing on positive past behaviour or an idealised future, stay aware of what is happening.
- Focus on actions, not words. A person who is abusive or controlling may know all of the right things to say to try and make you believe that they will change and that you should stay, but if their behaviour does not match this, it is unlikely to change.
- Learn about the signs of healthy and abusive relationships. Understanding what psychology and relationship experts define as healthy relationship behaviour can help you affirm your feelings and how you deserve to be treated.
- Therapy can play a significant role in overcoming a trauma bond. Whether still in the relationship or not, it can be challenging to overcome the lasting effects of abusive relationships, and a qualified therapist can support you in healthily processing trauma, as well as gaining a better understanding of any contributing factors and patterns. They can also help you set boundaries and rebuild self-esteem for healthy future relationships.
- Practice self-care and positive self-talk. Abusive behaviour and trauma bonds can significantly lower self-esteem, and this can make it more difficult to assert your right to healthy, loving connections. Challenging the negative self-associations which often accompany abusive behaviour is a profound step towards breaking the trauma bond.
A life outside of trauma bonds
It is often the case that, after leaving an abusive relationship, people have experiences which make them want to return to the relationship. Much like other addictions, trauma bonds often include extreme highs and lows, and our memories tend to focus on the highs of emotional pleasure.
This can look like:
- Craving the feelings that occur during the love bombing and trust stages of the trauma bond cycle.
- Anxiety
- Flashbacks to the relationship
It’s important to remember that these highs only feel good because extreme lows accompany them. We can all find and cultivate healthy partnerships which do not include trauma bonds or coercive, controlling or threatening behaviour. Your right to feel safe and loved in your relationships is paramount, and no genuinely loving relationship includes trauma bonding.
- About the Author
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Co-founder and director of Leone Centre, 20+ years of experience supporting people, and offering valuable knowledge through Couples Counselling and Individual Counselling. Before becoming a therapist, I worked in the financial sector.