The fear of losing someone you love is completely natural. An anxious thought can often trigger it. Perhaps your partner is late, or your daughter doesn’t pick up her phone. Your imagination goes into overdrive, and you agonise about your loved one in an accident, having a medical emergency, or suffering from a life-threatening event.
Your mind spirals, and although you know your panic is mostly unrealistic, you also know it’s not an impossible scenario and could happen. Often, your brain will regurgitate the latter scenario until, finally, your loved one signals their safety with a phone call or a key in the door. You sigh with relief until the next time. The mind is a powerful thing.
Learning how to deal with the fear of loss remains a continuous battle for many. According to UK Statistics, 8 million people in the UK suffer from some form of anxiety, including ‘Generalised Anxiety Disorder’ (GAD), which is defined as ‘a long-term condition that can make you feel anxious about a wide range of situations and issues,’ and is often intensified by a fear of losing loved ones. But is it possible to control this fear?
First things first – when examining your fears of losing a loved one, you should try to ask yourself, “Are my fears evidence-based?” Are your fears true? Or are you telling yourself a story? If it’s evidence-based and you’re fearful of losing someone who is ill and at a high risk of dying or leaving, like a loved one with a poor prognosis, you’re most likely to be experiencing ‘anticipatory grief’, which begins before the loss occurs.
This type of grief often occurs unconsciously when a person’s stability is shaken, either by a diagnosis of a life-threatening medical condition or someone leaving you. It’s important to remember that your fear of loss is valid, and therefore, so is your grief and reaction to the scenario. However, if it’s not evidence-based, the scenario you imagine about loss may never come true. In this scenario, these fears are based on fears, not facts.
Do These Fears Prepare Us?
Many of us worry about keeping ourselves “prepared.” That way, if the worst does happen, we’re prepared and don’t have far to fall. This is an illusion manifested by the brain to try and protect us. If a loved one did unexpectedly pass, we would still be absolutely devastated despite having imagined their hypothetical death many times before. We can imagine the worst when preparing ourselves, but it doesn’t work this way.
Remember that you’ll find a way to manage whatever happens when needed. It’s impossible to predict how we will react when adversity confronts us, no matter how well-prepared we think we are. Most of us are better at dealing with hardships than we think, especially with the help of a therapist and support from friends and family or through implementing methods like mindfulness, exercise, writing or art. You can’t predict how you’ll feel until the loss occurs.
Living With With The Fear Of Loss
If your fears of loss affect your quality of life, finding outlets that help you work through these feelings can also be helpful.
Here are some ways that you can help you manage your fear and other intense emotions surrounding loss:
Discover What’s Beneath Your Distress
Is it a fear of being alone? Worries that you can’t handle the emotional pain? Focusing on the fear of losing someone can be a way to avoid dealing with other difficulties. Take some time to figure this out for yourself. You may find journalling or writing your feelings down helpful.
Understand The Grieving Process
It can often help to prepare yourself for the feelings that come with loss; learning about the grieving process and knowing what to expect could help relieve some of the fear. Grief is a highly personal experience; there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Emotional pain is part of the human experience, and no matter how perfect other people’s lives may seem, everyone struggles with frustration, failure, and loss.
Feeling sad, stressed, or worried is okay – your feelings are real and necessary. Feel them and let them pass through you. Remember to treat yourself with compassion.
Feel Your Feelings
Remember that grief and the accompanying emotions can happen all at once or be gradual – you may feel fine one day but overwhelmed the next. The fear of loss can be an emotional rollercoaster, and it’s okay to feel a sense of vulnerability and overwhelm.
You may find it easier to process your feelings by talking or writing them down. Speaking to a therapist, whether in person or through online counselling, can help you find a healthy way of processing your emotions and is a good way of understanding and releasing painful feelings in a safe and supportive environment.
Reach Out
For some people, fear of grief or loss can lead them to isolate themselves. However, sharing your emotions with loved ones can create connections and often lighten your load; things often seem worse in our minds than when we say them out loud. You never know; others may be going through the same fears and emotions as you and may be able to help you find a way to manage them.
The Power of NOW
Sometimes, it’s good to ground yourself, be present, and get out of the habit of constantly wondering, “What if?”
Thinking too far ahead, especially negatively, doesn’t serve a purpose and can be overwhelming. Instead, try to pay attention to your emotional state and practice shifting your attention to what’s happening in the here and now. Focus on the sensations in your body and your surroundings. Name what you can see, hear, and feel in this moment. Open your senses and follow the rhythm of your breath for a few minutes. This strengthens your mindfulness muscles, making it easier to prevent yourself from spiralling too far into the hypothetical future and focusing on something that isn’t necessarily going to happen.
Therapy For Loss
All the strategies discussed here are easier said than done, and it bears remembering that we must show ourselves patience and kindness. We should remember that we don’t need to manage these feelings or these difficult emotions alone; a professional therapist or counsellor can support you in identifying the roots of your anxiety and offer methods to help you manage stress and negative thoughts.
Granted, you may be unable to eliminate the fear of loss, but working with a professional can help you learn to deal with it. Fear is often something we cling to as a protective mechanism, and the fear of losing someone you love can be painful. However, with the right assistance, we can escape this vicious cycle.
- About the Author
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Co-founder and director of Leone Centre, 20+ years of experience supporting people, and offering valuable knowledge through Couples Counselling and Individual Counselling. Before becoming a therapist, I worked in the financial sector.
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