Christmas is often described as a season of connection; shared traditions, full tables and the hum of celebration. But for many, this picture-perfect image stands in quiet contrast to their own experience. For those living with family estrangement, Christmas can sharpen the sense that somebody is missing.
Estrangement during the holidays doesn’t have to be framed only as loss; as Esther Perel often reminds us, relationships are living systems that change us even when they break. Distance can also be a sign of growth: of choosing boundaries, truth, and inner alignment over repeating old cycles.
The holiday season can be an invitation to choose nurturing connections, craft new traditions, and practice self-care in ways that bring calm and meaning.
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What Is Estrangement?
Estrangement is a significant emotional distance or complete severing of contact between people who once shared a meaningful bond.
It can touch any relationship: parent and child, siblings, partners, or extended family.
Estrangement may look like:
- a parent or child stepping away
- siblings who no longer speak
- reduced or broken contact after conflict or trauma
- connections that faded without a clear explanation
- family ties that shifted so deeply they no longer resemble what they were
For many, estrangement is a painful experience that reflects a deeper longing for safety, understanding, and belonging. Yet, it also reflects the depth of the connection that once existed within the family unit.
Other Forms of Estrangement
Estrangement can take many shapes beyond family relationships. Sometimes it’s created by circumstances rather than conflict.
- Living abroad or far from loved ones; distance, time zones, unfamiliar cultures and the absence of a local community can all make Christmas feel isolating.
- Friendship estrangement; the loss or fading of a once-close friendship can feel especially painful during a season centred on connection and shared history.
- Separation due to work demands; travelling for work, shift work, seasonal jobs, or essential roles can keep people apart, creating a sense of missing out.
- Distance after major life changes; breakups, divorce, bereavement, or relocating can shift support systems, leaving the holidays feeling unfamiliar or unanchored.
Why Estrangement Feels Painful at Christmas
Estrangement rarely sits lightly on the heart. It is an ambiguous loss – something that defies neat understanding – and can bring rumination, grief, anxiety, and emotional fatigue.
The holidays surround us with messages of unity and closeness; when those relationships are quiet or fractured, the contrast can feel intense.
Those who feel left behind may wrestle with questions and grief.
Those who stepped away may carry guilt or the pain of choosing emotional safety over connection.
Both sides often hold complex layers of love, longing, confusion, and hope.
As Esther Perel says, “The quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives,” and estrangement reminds us how deeply relational beings we are.
The Journey Towards Peace
The grief of estrangement doesn’t move in a straight line. Emotions come in waves; clarity one day, sadness the next, perhaps even hope after that.
It’s essential to prioritise self-care in these moments.
Peace comes slowly, like morning light stretching across the horizon. Eventually, perspective softens the edges, and acceptance becomes possible.
Radical Acceptance as Self-Care
Radical acceptance doesn’t mean you are minimising your experience or hardening yourself. It means meeting reality with less resistance and more compassion.
It offers a soft exhale: a loosening of the grip on what cannot be controlled.
It allows the heart to rest rather than brace.
It gives your nervous system space to settle.
Therapy can be a steady companion in this process, offering language, grounding, and emotional tools that help you navigate the complexity of it all.
Honouring the Absence with Kindness
Pushing feelings away often makes them heavier. Gentle rituals can honour what once was while keeping the heart steady:
- writing a private letter
- acknowledging emotions without judgment
- allowing a quiet moment of reflection
These gestures honour the past without reopening old wounds.
Shaping a Holiday That Supports You
Even with estrangement in the background, it’s possible to create a Christmas that feels enjoyable, authentic, and supportive.
This season doesn’t have to be perfect. It only needs to be gentle enough for you to rest inside it.
Appreciating What and Who Is Here Today
Family, belonging, and connection take many forms. Family can be chosen, created, or discovered.
Meaningful connection can include:
- friends who feel like home
- chosen family built on trust
- partners who offer steadiness
- neighbours who bring warmth
- community that welcomes you
- your own quiet, reliable presence
These relationships are real, sustaining, and deeply meaningful. Letting them in is an act of self-care.
James Hillman reminds us that the soul grows in the places where relationships stretch and challenge us.
“How can we know ourselves by ourselves? … Soul needs intimate connection, not only to individuate, but simply to live. For this we need relationships of the profoundest kind through which we can realize ourselves, where self-revelation is possible, where interest in and love for soul is paramount.”
– James Hillman (1972). “The Myth of Analysis: Three Essays in Archetypal Psychology”, p.92, Northwestern University Press
Creating Moments That Support Your Wellbeing
Your holiday does not need to mirror old traditions or anyone else’s expectations.
It can revolve around whatever soothes your mind and comforts you:
- a grounding personal ritual
- a meal made with intention
- a gentle winter walk
- a heartfelt conversation
- a moment of stillness where you simply allow yourself to be
- sharing your feelings with an experienced therapist
These small choices plant seeds of hope and create a sense of belonging that feels genuine and self-made.
Therapy can offer support through this process, helping you reflect, plan, and care for yourself during a season that feels complex.
Emotional Support for Estrangement: Therapy at Leone Centre
Estrangement carries layers of emotion: grief, guilt, longing, confusion, anger, hope, and sometimes relief. Therapy provides a steady place to explore these layers with compassion and clarity.
At Leone Centre we offer family therapy, individual therapy and couples therapy to support you.
Our experienced therapists can help you:
- understand the emotional impact of estrangement
- process ambiguous loss and living grief
- hold boundaries without losing yourself
- explore whether reconnection is healthy or safe
- find meaning and steadiness during the holidays
- strengthen your emotional resilience
You don’t have to hold this alone. Support can help you feel grounded, clearer, and more at peace with the life you are shaping – whether estrangement is temporary, long-term, or somewhere in between.
- About the Author
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Co-founder and director of Leone Centre, 20+ years of experience supporting people, and offering valuable knowledge through Couples Counselling and Individual Counselling. Before becoming a therapist, I worked in the financial sector.