Loneliness is one of the most shared experiences we rarely speak of. It lives in the space between what we show and what we yearn for. The paradox is striking: the ache for connection is itself something profoundly connective. To feel lonely is to be human, and in that very longing, we are not alone.
How to Deal With Loneliness
This Loneliness Awareness Week, I find myself reflecting not just on loneliness but also on where it lives in us. It’s not always in the empty room or the unanswered call—it often hides in our relationships, in the spaces between what we long to say and what we actually share. I see it in my clients, and I see it in all of us: the ache of disconnection in a world more connected than ever.
We all long for meaningful connections to others, but sometimes, they elude us, or we avoid them for fear of getting hurt. Our desire for intimacy endlessly clashes with our fear of rejection or engulfment.
Remember: if you’re lonely, you are not alone.
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What is Loneliness?
Loneliness is not the same as isolation. It doesn’t just mean being alone – many people are content, or even happy, spending time alone.
Loneliness, rather, is the feeling of actively longing for, or possibly even grieving, connection with others.
You might, in fact, feel lonely while surrounded by others. Loneliness can stem from feeling unheard or unseen in your relationships and from an absence of meaningful connection.
There are broadly considered to be three main types of loneliness.
Emotional Loneliness
Emotional loneliness may arise when feeling a lack of emotional attachment in your life.
It may be that you have friends but they are surface-level connections without depth, or that there is a lack of emotional attunement in your family or your partnership.
Social Loneliness
The term social loneliness refers to having a lack of people to socialise with.
You may feel socially lonely if you do not feel connected to a wider circle of friends, or don’t have a sense of community in your life.
Existential Loneliness
Existential loneliness is the sense of feeling not truly known. You may feel existentially lonely even while surrounded by people who ostensibly know you quite well.
Everyone may feel existentially lonely at times. It is a very human feeling: to at times feel the essential loneliness of existence as an individual.
The Roots of Loneliness
Loneliness doesn’t always announce itself in grand gestures. Sometimes, it arrives quietly—woven into life’s everyday moments, whispering through the cracks of change and transition. Certain life events, often milestones or ruptures, can become the gateways through which loneliness enters. These may include:
- Bereavements, break-ups, and losses: The experience of grief can cause you to feel emotionally disconnected from those around you, which can lead to a sense of emotional loneliness.
- Physical or mental illness: You may be isolated due to the nature of your illness – for example, perhaps agoraphobia or social anxiety make it hard for you to meet others, or your chronic illness means that you have to spend more time in bed or in the hospital. Or it may be that the difficulties of day-to-day living with your specific needs create a feeling of existential loneliness.
- Retirement, career transitions, or unemployment: Your career situation can contribute to feelings of loneliness, as you may find yourself excluded from the social environment of the workplace.
- Moving to a new area, or going to university: Leaving behind your social life in one place and starting again in a new one can be a very daunting time, and can leave many feeling more alone and disconnected.
- Becoming a parent: One of the lesser-discussed aspects of becoming a new parent is the loneliness that many can feel. Read our blog on the importance of nurturing the mental health of new mothers.
There are also societal causes of loneliness that can affect us all. For example, you might feel more lonely due to structural factors like racism, homophobia, ableism, or misogyny keeping you from connecting with your community.
Many of us also experience loneliness due to social media and the effects of living in an increasingly digital world that reduces the apparent need for real-life interactions.
Social Media and Loneliness
The links between social media and loneliness are not clear-cut. Some people find that the digital world has helped them to feel less lonely, as it has facilitated connections with others that would have been impossible otherwise.
But for some, social media can deepen a sense of alienation and existential loneliness, through its proliferation of performative and superficial connections.
Researchers have highlighted that the use of social media and the internet can exacerbate loneliness when it is “problematic” or “addictive”.
In other words, the more we scroll and seek a feeling of connection online, the less truly connected we’re likely to feel.
How Does Loneliness Affect Mental Health?
All of us feel lonely from time to time. These feelings are simply part of being human. But chronic, ongoing loneliness can have a severely detrimental impact on a person’s wellbeing.
In my therapy practice, I often see the following issues intertwined with loneliness:
- Depression
- Anxiety, particularly social anxiety
- Disrupted sleep patterns and insomnia
- Low self-worth and/or self-esteem
- Trauma and PTSD
These issues might stem from loneliness, or serve to deepen the loneliness that a person feels.
For example, being socially anxious may lead to withdrawing from society. This might create a sense of loneliness, as the socially anxious person lacks meaningful connections in life. Their loneliness may, in turn, deepen their anxiety – for example, their negative thought patterns about the risks of meeting other people might increase, making them even more likely to withdraw.
And so, loneliness and mental health can exist in a vicious cycle.
How to Combat Loneliness: Advice From a Psychotherapist
Nurture the Connections You Already Have
If you’re feeling lonely, it’s important not to neglect the relationships that you do have around you. Negative thought patterns can keep us isolated, as we may convince ourselves that others are happier without us or that we don’t want to be a burden on others.
Reach out to those you love, even if you haven’t spoken to one another for a while – you may well find that they are delighted to hear from you.
Be Authentic with Others
This is easier said than done, it’s true. But feeling lonely isn’t just about lacking companions – it’s about not feeling truly heard, seen, or understood. The best way to combat this is to share your authentic thoughts and feelings.
This may mean allowing yourself to be vulnerable by letting others know that you’re feeling lonely and how it’s affecting you. It might feel scary to do this, but overcoming this fear to share an authentic emotional experience can lead to deeper, longer-lasting bonds.
Follow Your Passion and Interests
Spend time pursuing the hobbies that you love, perhaps even joining social groups centred around these hobbies.
Immersing yourself in your interests is a healthy way to cope with feelings of loneliness. It gives you an opportunity to stay busy and distracted, and also to reconnect with a sense of joy and your own desires.
It’s also potentially a great way to meet new people who share your outlook and values in life.
You might consider joining a walking club, taking a class in a new art or sport, or volunteering for a cause you care about.
Get a Pet
The pure, unwavering love of our animal companions is not a form of love to be sniffed at.
Many people find that owning a cat, dog, or other kind of pet can combat feelings of loneliness. Not only do they offer love and company, they also necessitate some structure and external responsibility, which can be immensely helpful for those struggling with their mental health.
Work Alongside an Experienced Therapist
If you’re struggling with loneliness, and the above self-care tips feel very daunting for you to approach alone, an experienced therapist can work with you to face your fears.
You do not have to carry these feelings alone. A good therapist is one who can walk beside you in your loneliness, and support you as you find a way through it.
Get Support for Loneliness in London or Online
If you’d like to work through feelings of loneliness with an experienced therapist, Leone Centre can support you. You can book an appointment with our individual, couples, or family therapists in London or online.
- About the Author
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Co-founder and director of Leone Centre, 20+ years of experience supporting people, and offering valuable knowledge through Couples Counselling and Individual Counselling. Before becoming a therapist, I worked in the financial sector.