Infidelity is often perceived as a relationship’s death toll, a betrayal so deep that it seems to shatter everything a couple has built together. But what if infidelity, as painful as it is, doesn’t have to spell the end of a relationship? What if it could be the beginning of a new chapter that requires deep reflection, honest conversations, and a commitment to rebuild?
For couples who choose to stay together after an affair, the journey is far from straightforward. The questions that arise are profound and challenging: What will our future look like now? Can we ever reclaim the physical and emotional intimacy we once shared? Is it possible to restore trust, or will this wound forever leave a scar?
These questions don’t have easy answers, but they open the door to a conversation about what it truly means to love, forgive, and rebuild.
Redefining Infidelity: The Stories We Tell Ourselves
Cheating and unfaithfulness are undeniably complex issues. Many people feel that infidelity is an unforgivable breach, marking the end of the partnership. However, when infidelity occurs, it often reveals as much as it damages, exposing a tangled web of insecurities, questions and decisions.
Infidelity is more than just an act—it’s a story we tell ourselves and each other about what love, trust, and commitment should look like. The truth is that infidelity can mean vastly different things to different people.
For instance, one partner may view flirting with strangers or liking pictures as harmless if it doesn’t lead to anything further. Meanwhile, the other partner may feel this is unfaithful and be deeply hurt. Discussing this with your partner can clarify and prevent misunderstandings that can lead to emotional pain.
Infidelity is generally defined as engaging in a romantic or sexual relationship outside of your partner’s relationship. Infidelity can occur in any kind of relationship, including non-monogamous relationships. It is the breach of established boundaries around behaviour with people other than a partner, regardless of whether there are additional, agreed-upon relationships. Unfaithfulness can also occur at any stage in the relationship, whether you have just started dating or been married for years.
But let’s take a step back and ask: Why do affairs happen in the first place? Society often paints infidelity in black-and-white terms—one person is the villain, the other the victim. However, the reasons for cheating are as complex as the people involved. Stress, boredom, fear of commitment, a craving for intimacy, or simply the thrill of something new are not just excuses but signals of deeper issues.
In this light, infidelity is less about the act itself and more about what it reveals. By engaging in honest communication and by seeking the support of an experienced, unbiased professional, partners can gain clarity on their desires and needs, both within and outside of the relationship. This process can help both partners find ways of structuring their lives so these needs are met without causing emotional damage to others or their relationships. Additionally, they can learn to shift their perspective, focusing on and appreciating the positive aspects of their relationship rather than concentrating on what they feel is lacking.
Common Infidelity Myths
There are many myths about infidelity which can cloud honest conversations. These include:
- Infidelity only happens in unhappy relationships. One of the most common beliefs is that affairs occur only when something is wrong in the relationship. While this can be true sometimes, affairs happen in otherwise happy relationships.
- Cheaters are bad people. This black-and-white view ignores the complexity of human behaviour, and the often contradictory emotions people experience. Infidelity doesn’t automatically make someone a bad person; rather, it reveals a struggle within the person who cheats—an internal conflict between their values, desires, and unmet needs.
- Once a cheater, always a cheater. Often, the person who has had an affair is deeply remorseful and works hard in therapy and within themselves to understand and change their behaviour.
- Cheating is always the end of the relationship. On the contrary, many couples find that discovering infidelity compels them to address ongoing issues in the relationship.
- Cheating makes sex in the relationship decrease, or decreased sex is a sign that infidelity is happening. There are many reasons for sex to decrease in a relationship, including stress, decreased connection and mental or physical health.
- Vigilance can prevent cheating. Keeping a close eye on your partner’s whereabouts, relationships, and messages will not prevent them from cheating. Still, it will introduce an element of suspicion and mistrust, which can lead to further issues.
Nurturing Yourself After Betrayal
Experiencing infidelity can be profoundly painful and isolating. The feelings of betrayal, anger, and sadness can be overwhelming, and it’s vital to work to prioritise your mental, emotional and physical wellbeing during times of stress.
Some practical tips to support your wellbeing can include:
- Acknowledging your emotions. By allowing yourself to feel your full range of emotions, you can begin to process them. Bottling up your feelings may feel easier in the short term, but it will only hinder healing. Talking to a trusted friend or an experienced therapist or joining a support group can be invaluable.
- Practicing self-compassion: Be kind to yourself. Recognise that you are not to blame for the infidelity, and treat yourself with the same compassion you would show to a friend going through a similar situation.
- Focusing on your physical health: Prioritising healthy eating, regular exercise, and quality sleep can help you work through emotional challenges.
- Setting healthy boundaries: It’s okay to limit contact with your partner. You also have the right to set boundaries with friends or family who are unsupportive during this time.
- Seeking professional help: If you’re struggling to cope with the emotional impact of infidelity, consider seeking professional help from a therapist. An experienced integrative therapist can help to work through the effects of being cheated on and explore any core beliefs or past traumas this may have caused to resurface.
The Path Towards Forgiveness and Reconciliation
Forgiveness after infidelity is a complex emotional journey. It’s not about condoning hurtful behaviour but releasing resentment and anger to facilitate healing. Forgiving this kind of betrayal can be challenging, and there is no set timeline for when forgiveness should occur. Holding onto anger and resentment can make moving on from the event more difficult, but ultimately, the decision to forgive is profound.
If partners choose to reunite after infidelity, prioritising the process of rebuilding trust and intimacy within a relationship is essential. It requires open communication, mutual effort, and a shared commitment to healing. Relationship counselling can be vital in ensuring communication is open and constructive and does not lead to blaming or generating an unhealthy power dynamic. It’s essential to remember that both partners must be willing to invest the time and energy required to rebuild trust.
Infidelity is a complex issue that can profoundly impact individuals and relationships. While it can feel like a devastating experience, it’s essential to recognise that it doesn’t necessarily define the end of a relationship. With the right support and commitment, healing and rebuilding are possible.
Relationship counselling can be an invaluable resource in the aftermath of infidelity. By providing a safe space for open communication and exploration, counselling can help couples address underlying issues, rebuild trust, and prioritise emotional healing.
- About the Author
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Co-founder and director of Leone Centre, 20+ years of experience supporting people, and offering valuable knowledge through Couples Counselling and Individual Counselling. Before becoming a therapist, I worked in the financial sector.
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