When we find ourselves romantically drifting into starry-eyed imaginings of movie-perfect knights in shining armour (or, for some of us, the ideal woman swooping in like Julia Roberts in Notting Hill or John Cusack standing under our bedroom window holding up a boombox), the idea of a perfect romance or “the one” doesn’t seem so far-fetched. Many of us grow up imagining that our ideal match is out there, just waiting for us to find them.
This daydreaming has its benefits, allowing us to consider what we value and need in our own relationships. This helps us communicate these needs with our partners and aids us in our search for a partner who makes us feel loved and supported—a unique experience for each of us. However, when we begin to expect that our ideal match will somehow be free from imperfections, we may miss out on finding a supportive and loving partner.
In today’s society, the pressure to find “the one” — a perfect partner who will magically complete us, take us away from life’s difficulties, and ride off into the sunset — is immense. From our near-constant media intake — movies, social media, books, celebrities, influencers, all ingrained with cultural expectations — we are inescapably bombarded with the idea of an “ideal relationship.”.
This quest for perfection can lead to serious repercussions, including a condition known as Relationship Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (ROCD). ROCD is characterised by intrusive thoughts, doubts and anxieties about one’s relationship, partner, or feelings, resulting in compulsive behaviours to alleviate these fears. Societal pressures and constant exposure to idealised, romanticised relationships can significantly contribute to ROCD.
However, these behaviours can be identified and addressed by gaining a deeper understanding of their roots and with the guidance of an experienced therapist.
The Search for “The One” and Its Psychological Impact
Cultural narratives often portray love as something that should be effortless and all-consuming. Media portrayals, particularly in Western culture, lead us to believe that if we aren’t feeling fireworks every single day, we are probably not with the right person. From festive fantasies of escaping to a faraway place to find true love (I’m looking at you, The Holiday) to the increasingly popular, unending iterations of reality dating shows, the idea of finding “the one” has become deeply ingrained in our society.
These cultural pressures can be overwhelming, pushing individuals to excessively question their relationships, particularly those who already experience obsessive-compulsive tendencies. Those experiencing ROCD often find themselves obsessing over whether their partner is truly “the one” or if they could find someone better… someone more perfect. This can lead to an inescapable feeling of circulating doubt, anxiety, and stress.
The Impossibility of Perfection in Love
When we set unattainable standards for our relationships, we cultivate an environment ripe for dissatisfaction. This doesn’t refer to not setting realistic standards and boundaries on how we wish to be treated in our relationships, but instead placing “true love” so high on a pedestal that no real person could ever match up.
Perfectionism in the idealisation of love, paired with the expectation that it should solve all our problems, can lead to disappointment when the reality of relationships and people – with all their complexities and imperfections – sets in. For those with ROCD, this dissonance between the ideal and the real can be even more pronounced.
There is beauty in the imperfections of both ourselves and our partners. Real love isn’t about perfection but accepting each other’s flaws and growing together through challenges. When we let go of the unrealistic pressure to have a flawless relationship, we create space for authenticity, vulnerability, and true connection.
This acceptance can relieve the burden of chasing perfection in ourselves, allowing us to approach our relationships with more compassion and understanding. We often find the most meaningful, lasting love within these imperfections.
The Roots of ROCD: Media, Insecurities, and Cultural Narratives
Relationship OCDRelationship OCD Relationship Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (ROCD) refers to individuals experiencing persistent doubts and intrusive thoughts about their relationships. This can... often involves a combination of:
Media Influence: Romanticised portrayals of love in movies and social media create unrealistic relationship expectations. These idealized images can lead to dissatisfaction and constant comparisons, making individuals question the authenticity of their feelings.
Personal Insecurities: Low self-esteem and fear of uncertainty can heighten susceptibility to ROCD. Individuals may doubt their worthiness of love, obsessing over their partner’s flaws or the relationship’s stability, leading to anxiety and compulsive behaviours to seek validation.
Cultural Narratives: Stories of ‘soulmates’ and ‘the perfect match’ pressure individuals to find an ideal partner, which can cause them to evaluate their relationships against unrealistic standards. These narratives feed doubt in the relationship. and the fear of missing out on something better.
Impact of Early Relationships: Our first attachments shape our views on love, intimacy and security. When our early experiences are inconsistent or neglectful, they can develop into insecurities and hypervigilance in later relationships. Consequently, ROCD may develop to manage the emotional unpredictability rooted in those formative years.
Common ROCD thoughts include: What if I don’t love my partner as much as I should? What if this isn’t the right relationship for me? These intrusive thoughts and worries often lead to panic, anxiety, and compulsive behaviours such as seeking reassurance from others or comparing one’s relationship to both real and idealised ones.
Idealising relationships can make it challenging to appreciate partnerships’ natural ups and downs. Love isn’t always easy; it requires effort, understanding, and the recognition that the relationships we see on our screens are curated for public consumption. They do not reflect the complexities or depth of real-world relationships.
Breaking the Cycle of Doubt and Anxiety
While ROCD can feel overwhelming, it’s important to remember that these behaviours can be discussed and addressed with the guidance of an experienced therapist. Therapy can be a vital element in addressing the underlying roots of obsessive-compulsive patterns. A key part of ROCD therapy is recognising that doubt is not necessarily a signal that something is wrong but a normal part of the relational experience.
The goal isn’t to eliminate all doubts but to help individuals learn to tolerate and understand uncertainty in their relationships, shifting from a control mindset to curiosity. Instead of trying to “solve” the relationship, therapy encourages individuals to ask, “What is this doubt trying to tell me about myself—my fears, my past, my expectations?”.
ROCD therapy encourages clients to confront their obsessive thoughts without engaging in compulsive behaviours, focusing instead on cultivating presence and mindfulness, paving the way for healthier, more balanced perspectives on their relationships.
The pressure to find the perfect partner and achieve the perfect love story can take a heavy toll on those experiencing Relationship OCD. By gaining a deeper understanding of how societal expectations and our intake of popular culture contribute to these behaviours and by seeking the guidance of an experienced therapist, individuals can begin to break free from this detrimental cycle of doubt and anxiety.
Relationships are complex and filled with nuances, and accepting that others will have imperfections is a key step towards finding and maintaining fulfilling, lasting romantic connections.
- About the Author
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Co-founder and director of Leone Centre, 20+ years of experience supporting people, and offering valuable knowledge through Couples Counselling and Individual Counselling. Before becoming a therapist, I worked in the financial sector.
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