When we talk about sex, we often picture desire, pleasure, and intimacy. But for many women, sex is not a source of joy. Instead, it can be marked by pain, fear or even impossibility.
One of the most misunderstood conditions behind painful sex is vaginismus.
Vaginismus is not simply “in your head,” nor is it only a physical problem. It is an interplay of body and mind; a conversation between muscles, memories and emotions. Sex is not just about the physical act of intercourse, and like most aspects of sexuality, vaginismus cannot be reduced to mechanics alone. It is profoundly relational, shaping how a woman connects with herself, her partner and her sense of safety.
Because vaginismus lives at the intersection of the body and lived experience, healing is possible and deeply transformative. It asks us to see the body not as a problem to be fixed, but as a messenger of history, emotion, and resilience. In this post, we open the conversation about what vaginismus is and the pathways that can lead to relief, renewal, and a fuller experience of intimacy.
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What Is Vaginismus?
Vaginismus is an involuntary tightening of the vaginal muscles that makes penetration painful, difficult or even impossible. This occurs beyond conscious control. A woman can deeply want intimacy, and yet feel that her body is bracing for intrusion instead. It can feel as if her body is betraying her, and the lack of control can be profoundly frustrating.
Vaginismus is not only a physical response, but also an experience shaped by age, cultural expectations, and the stories societies tell about a woman’s body. From the silence around first sexual encounters, to the reverence of motherhood, to the invisibility that can accompany menopause.
Some women experience vaginismus from their very first attempts at intercourse or using a tampon. Others develop it later in life, sometimes after trauma, medical interventions or painful encounters. For many, it comes with a heavy weight of shame.
Shame can intensify the emotional burden of vaginismus. Many women internalise the belief that they are “broken” or inadequate, which can erode self-esteem and strain relationships. This sense of isolation often prevents them from seeking help, reinforcing a cycle where the condition persists in silence. Over time, shame may create a profound disconnect between someone’s desire for intimacy and their experience of it, amplifying feelings of loneliness and distress.
Yet those who struggle are not alone. Vaginismus is often underreported, but a recent study found that 1 in 10 British women find sex painful, with vaginismus being one of the causes.
Why Does Vaginismus Happen?
Vaginismus rarely has one root cause. Instead, it emerges at the intersection of physical, psychological and relational factors.
- The body remembers: Past painful sex, childbirth injuries or medical procedures can leave the muscles primed for protection.
- The mind intervenes: Anxiety, fear of pain, or messages of shame about sexuality can activate a fight-or-flight response in the pelvic floor.
- The relationship matters: Pressure to perform, fear of disappointing a partner, or unresolved tensions in intimacy can intensify the cycle.
In essence, vaginismus is the body’s way of saying “no”, even when the mind and heart are saying “yes.”
The Role of Psychosexual Therapy in Relieving Vaginismus
“Psychosexual therapy helps with moving away from the sense of isolation and shame, by providing a safe space to talk about fears and anxieties.”
–Martina Bador, Leone Centre Psychosexual Therapist
Relief does not come from forcing the body to comply, but from creating safety, trust and reconnection. For many women, the idea of psychosexual therapy, or “sex therapy”, can carry stigma and feelings of shame. Yet, it has the potential to be profoundly transformative.
Psychosexual therapy offers a safe, supportive space for women to explore what is often the most private part of their lives.
In psychosexual therapy, the body is not treated as a machine to be fixed, but as a partner to be listened to. Together with a therapist, women explore the meanings attached to their symptoms, uncover unconscious fears and learn practical techniques to gently retrain the pelvic floor.
Benefits of psychosexual therapy for vaginismus include:
Restoring agency: Women learn that their bodies are not betraying them, but protecting them. With guidance, they can reframe this protective response.
Breaking the cycle of painful sex: Step-by-step exercises, often incorporating breathwork and gradual desensitisation, help the body relearn ease and openness.
Strengthening intimacy: Partners are often included in the process, learning how to support without pressure, which can transform sexual connection into something more nurturing and built on a foundation of trust.
Addressing shame: Speaking openly about vaginismus in a safe therapeutic space can break the silence that shame often creates. By naming and exploring these feelings without judgment, women can release self-blame and move out of isolation.
Can EMDR Therapy Help with Vaginismus?
Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy is best known for helping people process and heal from traumatic experiences. Alongside psychosexual therapy, EMDR can also play an important role in treating vaginismus when the condition is connected to past sexual traumaSexual Trauma Experiencing sexual trauma can have profound and lasting impacts on an individual's mental, emotional, and physical well-being. Psychosexual... More about this therapy, difficult memories, fear, or shame around sexuality.
Through EMDR, clients can reprocess distressing memories or negative associations that trigger the body’s fear response. This can reduce the anxiety and anticipatory tension that often contribute to the pain cycle in vaginismus. For example, EMDR may be helpful for individuals whose vaginismus stems from:
- Past sexual trauma or assault
- Painful early experiences with intercourse
- A strict or shame-based upbringing around sexuality
- Generalised anxiety or body-related fears
When used as part of a holistic plan, EMDR can be a powerful tool to help individuals move beyond fear and reclaim a healthy, empowered relationship with their body.
Finding Relief and Reclaiming Pleasure
Healing from vaginismus is not about “fixing” what is broken, it’s about creating a new language of trust between body, mind and partner. Many women who once felt hopeless discover that with psychosexual therapy, they can move from pain to pleasure, from fear to freedom.
At Leone Centre, we approach vaginismus with sensitivity and expertise. Our work honours both the emotional and physical dimensions of sexuality, recognising that desire thrives in safety and understanding.
If you’re struggling with vaginismus or painful sex, know that you don’t have to face it alone. Psychosexual therapy can help you reclaim your body, your pleasure, and your intimacy.
Take the next step and book your psychosexual therapy initial consultation appointment online:
https://app.acuityscheduling.com/schedule/fcade93a
View our psychosexual therapists here
Because sex is not just about intercourse. It is about connection, exploration, and pleasure. Relief is possible. And so is joy.
- About the Author
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Co-founder and director of Leone Centre, 20+ years of experience supporting people, and offering valuable knowledge through Couples Counselling and Individual Counselling. Before becoming a therapist, I worked in the financial sector.
